ughhhh. i don't even know where the hell to begin with this one.

john edwards has, for years, been my political role model. he fights for the rights of the underprivileged, the impoverished, the blue-collar working class, and children. he's a populist through and through, and many of my ideals closely correlate with his. i campaigned for him to be president in both 2004 and through the beginning of this election. i listened to him speak in boston on election night 2004 when john kerry was too much of a wuss to come out at the end of the vote to address us freezing there in copley square. i followed john's travels throughout the country, donated to his campaign, quoted his speeches, and cried when he suspended his campaign in new orleans earlier this year. i've been following the veep contention on the democratic side and wondering which post in the cabinet he'd receive, as it's just impossible to imagine someone so closely involved in the campaign that gets along so well with obama and his ideals to NOT get a spot.

and then, this.
he went and slept with some film floozy he met in a bar, allegedly while elizabeth was receiving treatment for her cancer. apparently his family has known about this whole thing since 2006, the year in which this happened, and has been getting through it on their own pace and in their own time. but then, as tabloids often do, the national enquirer (a quality publication) has blown the story up to a point where john could no longer deny it happened. i ... see, i'm not even sure where to go with this, because there's the question of, okay, would i rather have just not known? i expect politicians in washington to sleep around and i expect them to cheat on their significant others with people who make more than they do and i expect them to make plenty of mistakes. we're all human. we fall to temptation once in a while, especially when we are thrown in the public eye for scrutiny as these people, even if they should expect it. if joe schmoe goes and pulls any of this, it's not as big a deal obviously because he's not directly in the public eye. and in my opinion, if it's not affecting his or her political policy or how they would run the country, i don't care. it's a personal thing; they can make their own mistakes in that regard and work it out with their families or whomever is affected. just make sure i don't get blown up and our troops come home and our budget balanced and our national debt eliminated and our people safe and happy. bill clinton? forgive and forget. john f. kennedy? sure, why not.

but now, it's a bit different. here's someone i looked up to, someone i found promise in, someone i felt was different than the rest of the DC brouhaha. so what if he's got a four hundred dollar haircut. at least he wants to accomplish something and get our country back on the right track. as long as it's his money he can spend a thousand bucks on his hair; there's bigger things to worry about. i'm still incredibly supportive of him politically. but i feel ... not hurt, because i don't deserve to be hurt. i think i feel more ... disappointed than anything in him. i always saw him as someone who was against everything washington was about. now he's just the same as the rest. i thought more of him. i feel let down. that's not even taking into consideration that elizabeth edwards has unconditionally supported him through TWO candidacies, even after the return of her cancer. i can understand that family problems and stress and whatever have you get in the way, but jesus. she's sick! she's dying! the cancer's not curable! what is your problem, john? was a few weeks with this woman really worth losing everything? if this was anyone else, i would tell the woman to leave ... i don't know how elizabeth has managed to stay with - and publicly laud - someone who must have hurt her so dearly. i can't even imagine what she's been going through for two years.

and now, his political career lies in shambles. obama announced today edwards can't speak at the convention; numerous reports say he won't even be showing up. a few democratic leaders are saying it's going to be years before he can even consider having a say in anything having to do with the party. all those amazing ideals, all those wonderful plans, all those long, hard years of work ... a few weeks - months - who knows how long it was - it's all gone. not only has the edwards family suffered, but we as a party and a nation suffer too.

and i'm suffering too, because my role model - one of my heroes - has let me down. i mean, i should have known better than to trust a politician. sadly, in this day and age, we have to know better. but again, i have to stress, he ... he seemed different. he was the only candidate i felt like i had no reservations throwing all my support behind. i like barack obama, but he wasn't my first choice. i liked john kerry okay, but he wasn't my first choice. john edwards was my first choice, both times. it's not even a political thing - someone who i aspired to emulate ... someone who had worked so hard for people i care so much about, someone who seemed to - no, who i'm sure still - care(s) about those of us living a blue collar life when it seems we're so often forgotten ... i often looked to him for inspiration to keep fighting the good fight. i'm not going to stop, but this sure makes it pretty hard. again, he's human, and i can't expect him to be any more than that. if even elizabeth can forgive him, then i know i can too. but i think i, and everyone else, are allowed to be a little let down.

it reminds me of that lauryn hill song, "mystery of iniquity" ...
and when it all, it all falls down; i'm telling you, oh, it all falls down..."