reflection:

it was five years ago that a dear, someone i loved was taken away from us.
here's how i reacted the day afterwards. i was eighteen then - so much has changed.

yesterday was a very very sad day for me. i'm sorry to have to say that i lost one of my close friends to a car accident last night.

brandan allen was driving home from school to get ready to go to work. he lived in moultonboro but he was going to be transferring to interlakes next week to graduate. it hasn't been determined whether he was going too fast for the road that he was travelling on (route 109 for all that know the area) but he, according to his mother, misjudged a turn and slid into the left lane, colliding head-on with a plow truck. he was pronounced dead at the hospital.

i've known brandan for years, and he seemed like the guy that was always completely invincible. he's survived through so much shit -- depression, shitty girls, a not-so-great family life, the works. so when frank showed up at my house tonight i was far from expecting to hear anything about brandan. when he told me what had happened i had no idea what to think. i thought it was a joke at first but then i burst into tears. we went to the moultonboro community center to gather with a few of his close friends of ours and then we went to ryan's (where i am now) and grieved with our very close friends, including bobby who was his closest friend.

part of me wishes that i had called him before now. part of me wishes that i hadn't waited so long to see him. i was going to see him tonight at ryan's birthday party. how much does that suck that he died on ryan's birthday? we're never going to forget today now for two reasons.

i loved brandan more than i can explain. whenever i saw him he would put a smile on my face and a smile on my heart. to think that i'm not going to ever see him again breaks my heart and the fact that whenever i look at the picture i have of us and start to cry isn't helping anything. i miss him more than i could ever explain to anyone. i dont know how his mother is taking it but i know she must be devastated. we all are ... i dont know about anything anymore. i just ... i just miss him. it makes me realize that i need to keep you all that i love close to me because ... well, before you know it, you might be gone. i dont know if i could deal with that again. i love you guys.

i still feel very much the same, just ... i suppose, in a different way.

of course there's the times where i just sit back and reflect when i'm reminded - say, if i hear an incubus song (one of his favourite bands). there's been other times when i've been in a pretty tight spot (one or two where i didn't think i'd make it to see the next day) and i'll think of him and wonder if he's taking time to watch over me. i've done a lot of really, really stupid things in my time. the thought of having a sort of guardian angel, even if you're not wholly sold on the idea of angels and demons, is comforting. sometimes i wonder when i fall asleep if i'll see him in my dreams, or i hope he'll just pop up, kind of like you see in the movies, and i'll have this weird sort of out-of-body experience where i'll get to ask him what he sees, what he does, if he's looking down on me when i'm doing things that i wouldn't want him seeing, and if he remembers when i made an ass out of myself at his wake (at least everyone laughed). but i don't want to be too pretentious and think i'd be worthy of his time, were he to be able to do so. i doubt i'd be the first person he'd choose.

i'm finding it harder and harder to remember with intense detail the times we had when we were alive together. certain moments tend to pop into my head from time to time, but they seem to be more limited. i have a few photos of him that i look over sometimes. my mother was cleaning out the tool shed recently and found my favourite picture of him and i - the one, ironically, that i mentioned in the section above. the frame was bent, the glass cracked. but you can still see his smile, and that, above all, is what i remember the most.

(i'm disappointed that i don't have a photo online that i can seem to find to show you. i wish everyone that didn't know him could have a chance to see the energy he radiated, and the warmth of his smile. tomorrow i'll have to root out a photo, if i have time, and post it.)

five years on, i know he's not going to be the last important person in my life to exit before their time. i've seen others go, and i've seen others that've been in my position. but, like i think is true for everyone, you never forget your first. it's always much more poignant - leaves more of a lasting impression. i still see him as he was five years ago ... i can't imagine what he'd be doing now. would he have gone to school? would he be working? what would he look like? would we have ever dated? would we be married? would i never have seen him again? i'm too inquisitive for my own good, i guess. these are questions i'll never know the answer to.

rest in peace, sweetheart. i still miss you and always will.